Expectedly, unexpected

My health is better and worse all at the same time. My #rheum seems to be “in check”. I’m still a human barometer but aside from that my pain is relatively controlled and my inflammation seems to be low. So of course it makes sense that something else should rear its ugly head.

I’ve had erratic, intensely painful periods for the last 6 plus months. I’ll skip the graphic details but let’s just say if I don’t notice pain related to my #rheum because my pelvic region is bringing me to tears…it’s not good.

Unfortunately, one of the diagnostic tests my doctor requested was a pelvic ultrasound and a transvaginal ultrasound. I’ve had both before. I knew what was going to happen. What to expect. And most importantly this is a test I consented and wanted to have in the hopes that it leads to a diagnosis or at the least a starting point to a referral to a specialist.

The very sweet lady who ushered me in was all about business, which is totally understandable and I appreciated her professionalism. I was a little anxious because I just want to know what’s happening to me. When I went into that appointment – I was worried that it might be painful or that it would show something way more serious than I am prepared to deal with right now (which truth be told is anything right now). What I didn’t anticipate and couldn’t have anticipated was what actually happened.

I dissociated.

From the moment that wand was placed inside me…I wasn’t “there” anymore. I was staring at the ceiling while my vision got white and fuzzy. I wanted to cry. I wanted to ask her to stop the exam. I was paralyzed. It felt like an eternity. I felt every movement she made with the wand, it was painful and I felt violated. When she said it was all over and patted my leg, I just laid there, only for moment before I got up and rushed to the change room – I was shaking and tears were running down my face.

Triggered doesn’t quite cover what happened.

Over a week later and I know what I need to do…what I’ve been avoiding for awhile now. Seeking help from an actual rape crisis counsellor. I’ve worked so hard to suppress and cope, I haven’t really dealt with what happened.

It’s been awhile since I felt so raw and scared and vulnerable. I need to develop a better coping strategy. Last weekend, I got so drunk I threw up in a bar bathroom. I followed that up with a week of crying and feeling incredibly insecure, unstable and unsafe. I hate feeling this way. I hate that that man continues to impact my life, my health, my emotions, years later.

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